One scoop or two?

The problem of twins when it comes to IVF I feel, is much like an ice cream. A double scoop sounds like a good idea but in reality, that second scoop just doesn’t quite fit. It almost always starts to fall off as you try to eat it and when you squash it back on, the bottom one drips down the cone and covers your fingers in a molten sugar mix. Suddenly, that exciting ice cream (the cute thought of twins) becomes a bit of a pain (the reality of twins) as you search in your bag for a tissue that promptly sticks to your fingers.

So that’s the kind of conversation my husband and I have been having except with less ice cream analogy. He says twins would be ‘cute’ and a ‘ready-made family’. I say my belly isn’t ready for it and you’re not the one looking after them all day!!

So for those that don’t know, you get a choice with IVF to put in one egg or two, three if you’re over 40! You up your chances with two, much like buying a couple of raffle tickets. That’s what you’re dealing with, chance. Or at least that’s what I’ve come to believe. But you also give yourself the very real chance of having twins.

And whilst my husband imagines two little smiles waiting for him when he gets home, I see hell. Double buggies not fitting through doorways, one sleeping whilst the other is awake, tag teaming nipples and my belly exploding like Alien. I am in no way mother material enough to go rosy-eyed at the thought of twins.

So you have to weigh it up… one and you may get nothing, two and you may get twins.. or nothing… it’s in the lap of the God’s. But knowing my luck, the God’s will decide I wanted a baby so therefore I should get twins, that would be a laugh.

Although I want a baby, I really don’t want twins. The doctor at the clinic made me feel a bit ungrateful for saying this when I stuck very firmly to just one egg the first time around.

There are so many things that panic me with the thought of twins. I want to have one-on-one time with my first child, I am scared of having a favourite, of an early birth, I want each of my kids to have a birthday of their own, I want my children (if I get more than one) to be able to educate one another with their different stages of life. I want to draw out the ‘having kids process’, I don’t want some sort of human bargain deal where it all comes flying at you at once.

All these reasons and more are why I insisted on only one egg the first time around. Sure, that strategy didn’t work to well and I am still baby-less but I’m still not convinced about playing twin roulette. Having said that, once I finished the first round the thought of doing them all one by one felt pretty harrowing. So after a long chant, that’s what we’re going to do, 2 eggs here we come. We’re hedging our bets.

IVF forces your decision making into so many unexpected places and changes this baby making process so much. Even the things you have never given a thought to are up on the table to either be taken away or to cause conflict between you as a couple. The realisation hit me only the other day that I would never have a ‘guess what?’ moment with my husband… Instead, we have a wait, already somewhat demoralised, for a phone call from a clinic keeping our fingers crossed it’s the result we want, but not double the result we want. I’m really sad about that actually.

So two scoops, please. I’ll start stocking up on wipes and if it happens, to be grateful as I try to ram a double buggy into the icecream shop doorway.

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