Our third round and fourth attempt at IVF seems to have ended before it’s even begun. I’ve been quite happily needling myself morning and night thinking how wonderfully easy these new drugs are, no bloating, no real mood issues, smaller needles – what a joy! Little did I realise this was because NOTHING WAS HAPPENING.
Yep, my body is on strike and those darn follicles are just refusing to grow. As I write, I am awaiting the results of a blood test to determine whether we carry on with this stimulation (drugs) or pack it in and start again next month, effectively wasting 2k.
These are the unexpected, unexplained wonders of IVF. Sadly bodies and biology do not work on logic or precise systems, not that we can fully understand at least and with so many factors needing consideration when it comes to IVF really it’s no wonder so many spanners get thrown in the works.
So we return down the rabbit warren of familiar thoughts. Should we change clinic or doctor again? Am I capable of making any eggs anyway? Should we look at donor sperm, adoption, donor eggs…? How long do we wait and try, how long does our bank balance take the strain… the now well-trodden thought paths are numerous.
The pros and cons of donors rattle through your head… Would you be turning to this option too soon? That one final, unpredictable effort you didn’t make could be the one that’s waiting and willing to work. The worry of time and money stubbornly elbows it’s way in… If you continue with more rounds will you run out of money for a donor try or worse, will your eggs have ticked their last tock. The idea of donor eggs crosses your mind too, dragging with it it’s good mate guilt, who suggests that maybe you’re just not committed to IVF enough and you should be willing to do more to get a child that’s biologically yours. The unease of the regrets giving up might bring in later life sit heavy in your stomach.
All of these thoughts, I have no doubt are echoing around many heads as they echo around mine.
IVF and infertility is a minefield at the best of times, a foggy field that dare I say it is more confusing than Brexit at the best…and no one can really help, or really stand there with you to relieve the physical and mental burden. I think one thing I’ve learnt in all this is to practice acceptance and gratitude as hard as I can. I’m not always as good at it as I would like to be but the trying is what counts and what gets you to a better frame of mind.
My heart and hope goes out to all of you in a similar position. Stay strong, chin up and keep trying so far as you can without letting it drag you down.
xx